The Backstory — Begum's Mind

I did my hard time in undergrad for my four respective years and got my B.S. in Human Development and Family Sciences. I was still pre-med and still super confused. I teetered between medicine and nursing often. Like most people end up doing, I switched majors mid-way through my degree plan. I went from Biochemistry pre-med to Human Development Pre-med. I initially had thoughts of going into medicine since that was all I ever knew. I wanted to do surgery - orthopedic to be exact. Somewhere along the way I thought I'd never have time for a family and a husband (wild when I look back at that thought process now).

I went with the idea of nursing after that conversation with myself, but then I thought maybe I could do something else. I just wasn't sold. But I wasn't off the idea - it became what I told some people I wanted to do, depending on the day and how I felt.

It wasn't until a year after graduation that I had some fire to get off my ass and really mean what I was saying to people. I had told people nursing was a goal, but inside I was still so conflicted and honestly, I was burned out. Here's where I had to really battle some inner demons.

You're Not Competitive Enough...

Since high school I have been told I wouldn't make it. I know it sounds odd for anybody who knows me. Yeah, I'm smart - I know this, but for some reason I hit many roadblocks from people who I thought were supposed to be on my side and guide me.

I was told from the time I was graduating high school that I would not succeed or graduate college from The University of Texas because I was only number 15 in my class and only the top 3 people are capable of succeeding (no matter that I graduated top 5% and went from anywhere between number 3-20 within my last two years based off of just a few points and a few life events). The teacher who told me that really made me reel back and question myself for a moment. I walked away from looking at the class rankings posted on the wall with uncertainty. Was I really not going to make it? Impossible.

My freshman year of college began and I had my first semester. It was fun, challenging, and all new. I remember I was struggling with my first biology class for science majors and I met with my advisor. Seeing my one slipping grade my advisor looked at me and told me "You're just not competitive enough. You won't make it. You sure this is something you want to do?" I was crushed. I was confused. I cried walking out of the advising office. I had mixed emotions of anger and possible failure. He was my advisor, he had to know, right? I remember being fed up with my advisor and wanting to get another one - to no avail.

Now, time went by and I went back and forth with ideas of what I wanted to do. I went through a depression, went through a burn out phase, and I even went through a moment where I was just plain lost on exactly what I thought I'd want to do career wise. I remember sitting in an academic advising session for the nursing school at UT once and they checked off my transcripts and told me I was good to go, but then told me I should probably transfer out based off of one grade. It was like nobody really cared about my success, just wanted to tell me I couldn't do something.

I know, you're probably thinking I wouldn't be phased by this, but when you're already tired and it's been a trend - it can really stick with you. I began a phase of uncertainty and fear. "What if?" became more of a common mantra than "I got this".

The Decision

Really, I had headaches thinking about everything.

I went through a year of trying to figure things out post-grad, where I had to take a job that I hated just to try to get a scholarship for school - whatever school was going to be. Grad school? Nursing school? Med school? (Shout out to Americorps! That scholarship still holds me down!) I made my mind up about what I wanted after doing some research. I figured out I wanted to be hands-on with patients, be able to maneuver through my career to different avenues, and above all else - eventually be the HBIC. I want to do research, I want to travel, I want to have the personal satisfaction of knowing I do my part in science and healthcare.

I took my few pre-reqs that were necessary, sent out applications and got positive responses back, but there were still some minor setbacks like "we need you to still take another class or two, but under our system BEFORE you officially get into the program" or "we couldn't verify these classes" - just tiresome crap. I was over it. I was wondering if I was going to take all this time - why not try for something else? It had taken almost two years of going through classes, working, and then applying and waiting. I couldn't focus while trying to study for two different entry exams and trying for all kinds of options (grad school, nursing school, and med school at once) - I had a break down.

Actual footage of how I spent my days getting through my breakdown.

I decided to have a real conversation with myself, God, and some friends in medicine and nursing. My decision was solid. I knew what I wanted. I finally picked ONE school, ONE program, and sent off all of my things. I took my entry exam (that I was ALMOST late to because life) and got a score well above what was required - and was still doubting that The Universe was going to be on my side. When I finally got my acceptance letter I literally thought it was a fluke. Me? The one people kept saying wasn't competitive enough or wouldn't make it? Me? The one who went through so many different phases of "I don't know", "Is this really what I want?", "Will I even be accepted anywhere?", as well as depression and anxiety.

Orientation came and went and I remember walking up to the table to pick up my packet thinking they wouldn't have my name because it wasn't real. When they handed me my things I felt shocked. I just knew eventually they'd tell me "Oops, our mistake - you shouldn't be here". Wild, right? Well, I'm here. It took some time to really set in and for me to shake that insecurity that OTHER people laid into me.

I'm here and this is my story! I can't wait to share more about how things go and hopefully give anybody else who may feel defeated because their route is taking a little longer than they THINK it should to keep pushing. We all have a story, I'm just here to share mine.

- Begum, Over and Out! ;)

(I don't own any copyrights to any photos/graphics used in this post)

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